So, a year ago today I overcame my biggest fear and did the thing I had been dreading for over 3 years. Finding out about my heart problems at the young age of 15 was a huge challenge, and preparing for something so big at this age was as you can imagine a very difficult time for me. I don’t want to spend too much time moaning or complaining about the cards I was dealt, as I know a lot of people go through worse than me, but I did find it extremely hard and want to share my story on how I survived and came out on the other side. Believe me, I never in a million years thought I even would, and I don’t think anyone around me did either. Not that I thought I would die, but that I would actually go through with it.
I don’t want to discuss the operation in too much depth as I have already posted quite a few pieces about what happened, and let’s be honest, it isn’t a particularly nice thing to write or read about. All my operation updates and the whole story can be found at the bottom of this post with links to all relevant blog posts.
What I wanted to talk about mainly, as it is the one thing that I still find hard after my surgery, is the scar. Princess Eugenie made a powerful statement at her wedding last month, opting for a low back and no veil look, where her back scar along her spine was exposed. She claimed to have done this to show everyone that we all have scars and that it is so important not to hide them away because they are not deemed ‘normal’ by society. I absolutely loved this (I mean not the wedding – that was ridiculous), as it was such a brave move and a message that definitely needs to be spread around more.
I have up and down days with my scar. Sometimes I want to show it off as I am extremely proud of what it symbolises and how strong I am as a person, however on others days all I want to do is hide it away and pretend none of it ever happened. Like everything it completely depends on my mood in the morning. What I do find a struggle, mainly when I do have a good day and opt to wear it proudly, it is still quite distressing at the amount of people who will look at it. And I am not just talking about a quick glance, they stare. I have even been in situations sometimes when I am having a conversation with someone and as opposed to them looking at my face they are looking directly at my chest.
Okay, so it may not be the worst thing in the world but it can make me feel incredibly uncomfortable as they are not looking because they think the story behind it is amazing, but more so because it is an abnormality. This feeling can lead to insecurities, just because it isn’t a very nice thing to experience and you do feel massively judged for something that was out of your control.
The point I am trying to make, however, is that my scar is something that I am having to learn to love and embrace. I will never be able to say to anyone that I am happy that it is there, but every time I see it in the mirror it is a complete reminder of the time in my life where I overcame my biggest fear and went through something huge. We all have scars, stretch marks, lumps, bumps, cellulite and so much more. These are the things that make us human, and they are also things that we need to start loving about ourselves as opposed to changing.
So, happy operation anniversary to me, and Happy Friday to you!